Fun photos

Here are some fun photos while we wait... The first one is my favorite of Devin when she was about 2 yrs old-- its her "cowboy photo". I am going to get it framed for the wall. Love the budda belly.

These next set of photos were taken today after work. We just got irrigation and Devin & the dogs love to play in the water. Its a beautiful spring day in Arizona-- in the 80's and sunny.

Well, no new news lately... still in waiting mode. There are still some families ahead of me who are waiting to travel. So, I'm not sure when we will be going. I hope by the end of June so we can get back before my family reunion this summer.

IVF #2

After miscarrying in May 05, we decided to try naturally for 6 months. Maybe we would have the same luck again?! Well, it didn't happen. So, we went to my regular OB/Gyn in late Nov 05. We did some preliminary blood tests & then decided to try some superovulation (Clomid), HCG and progesterone treatments with ultrasound evaluations. We tried 4 cycles of that with no success. We decided we needed to go back to an infertility specialist. At that time, Mayo had stopped doing infertility treatments. I called but could not find my old doctor. So, we went back to my first infertility specialisits, ARMS.. Arizona Reproductive Medical Specialists in Phoenix. We saw Dr. Faber again. Of course, they wanted to repeat a lot of the tests that were already done on us for our last IVF. We had to re-do infectious disease tests (and NO we do not have chlamidia, HIV, Hep A & B, syphylis) for the 2nd time! I didn't want to do it -but state law required it. Isn't that crazy?! All the druggies out there can have kids but I have to have all these tests to prove myself healthy enought to have one! We had to re-do Jack's semen evaluation and they convinced us a semen chromatin assay test was a good thing. In retrospect, it was a total waste of time and money and I'm a little unhappy with them for pushing it. It gave us no useful information and cost $500 out of pocket.

First, they wanted to do a Clomid challenge test with AI and run a bunch of hormone tests on me & ultrasound. They said my FSH was slightly elevated and I had a low ovarian reserve. This translates to: I don't have many eggs left and they are probably not good quality. Of course, I didn't get pregnant. I wanted to try IVF right away rather than fiddle around with more low tech infertility treatments which don't work for me. First, they have to do a "mock transfer" in which they put saline in me & ultrasound to determine the best place to put the embryos. At this time, they found an endometrial polyp. Dr. Faber recommended to have it surgically removed b/c it could interfere with implantation of the embryo(s). I agreed and had it surgically removed the next month. The surgery went well with no complications.

We went through our final plans, payment, instructions for IVF and then started meds for IVF in May 2006. During this the next couple weeks, I had daily ultrasounds, blood tests, and injections. I felt like a cow running through a chute and was treated like that too. I came to realize why I had left ARMS in the first place before IVF with Devin. I did not really care for their bedside manner at ARMS. Yes, they were efficient and thorough. But, I felt like I was just a number with a check that they could put in their statistics. Not once did I see or hear from Dr. Faber except at our initial consultation and surgery. She never called or checked up on me again. We had another doctor who did my tests and he had the personality of a door. He made small talk but I knew he really didn't listen b/c he would ask the same questions the next day. I always feel that if a doctor CARES about you, they will work harder for you. That is important to me. That is how I try to treat my clients and patients. So, I had my egg retrieval on May 28th. They performed ICSI (which they said they weren't going to do b/c of the chromatin test- so why did we even do that?!) Unfortunately, out of 9 eggs, only 4 were mature (I think they retrieved too early). Only 3 fertilized. The weird thing was it took 3 days for all 3 to fertilize. That did not sound right to me. So, we transferred all 3 embryos in 3 days later. They put me on all this nasty medication afterwards which I did not like. Iasked for progesterone injections-but they insisted on patches and vaginal meds- I hated them. I had an allergic reaction to the patches and got an infection from the internal meds. Ugh.

As you know, my pregnancy test was negative. Of course, they wanted to repeat it- which I really didn't want to do. I had my period and knew it was negative. But, I went in again to rub salt into my wounds for another negative test. Then, they had the gall to ask me to come back in a few weeks to take the test again... I said no, I wouldn't put myself through another negative test. I never heard from them again. Needless to say, I was not that happy with ARMS and would not recommend them.

At this point, Jack and I were considering our options... IVF one more time? embryo adoption? domestic or international adoption? We decided to wait a couple months and grieve and think about things for awhile...

Lost baby

Ok- I'm reflecting again... but its therapeutic to talk about the past as I wait for the future... this all occurred 3 years ago, after the birth of Devin. After Devin weaned herself at 6-7 mos old, somehow, I miraclously got pregnant about 1-2 months later. I was scheduled to donate blood that day, and it hit me that I was a few days late for my period. So, Devin & I went to the store early that morning and got a home pregnancy test. I couldn't believe my eyes- it said positive! The only time in my life I had seen a HPT with a positive (never did one during IVF). Jack was out of town and I couldn't get a hold of him till that evening. I told him Devin has something to tell him.. that she was going to be a big sister!!! He was so excited and exclaimed, "We did it- I didn't know we could!- I wish I could be there to give you a big hug right now!" We were both ectastic. I told my parents that night too- they were visiting and I couldn't keep it in! They thought I was kidding at first... everyone was so happy.

I got my first doctor appt scheduled for 3 weeks later- everything was going great and I felt great. I didn't tell anyone else about the pregnancy except my asst & my babysitter. I planned on telling everyone after the doctor appt. I went to the doctor appt by myself... I had been through 100's of doctors appts by myself- so I thought this was a "standard" thing. Well, when the nurse practitioner was ultrasounding me, she got very quiet... I know what that means... I do it myself when I know something very wrong is happening.... The client is chatting along happily and you have to gather your thoughts and all the information to prepare them for what you are about to say... There is no heartbeat. What's worse... she said the pregnancy looked completely normal and the uterus, fetus, placenta, amniotic fluid all looked normal. She thinks the baby died that morning. It was the exactly the size it should be at this stage in the pregnancy. I was stunned. I was so unprepared mentally for bad news. Usually, if I know there is a chance for bad news (all my infertility treatments), I am mentally prepared for bad news. I was not that day!!! What a blow. Jack wasn't even with me. I decided I wanted to wait a few days before doing anything "just in case" there was a slight chance she was wrong. I knew she wasn't though. I do ultrasound pregnancy checks for work and I knew there was no heartbeat.

A few days later, I went back to get another ultrasound. I was about 9 weeks pregnant. This time, I brought Jack with me. My body did not know the fetus had died. My uterus, pregnancy and placenta were growing, but the fetus was not. I had no signs of miscarriage. My pregnancy was getting bigger and I was told I needed to induce a miscarriage ASAP or would risk hemorrhaging. I know that was a possibility b/c the exact same thing happened to a vet friend of mine. Her baby died as well inside her and then she waited a week or so and ended up hemorrhaging while she was performing surgery! She had to go to the ER and have blood tranfusions. So, my options were to do a D& C or take some pills to induce a miscarriage. I opted for the pills. They gave me some pain pills too- bad idea, made me vomit. I know I will never be a drug addict b/c all meds with narcotics make me vomit. Actually, it did not hurt that much, but I thought it would happen all in one day (I took the day off work). Instead, it took about a week- that really sucked b/c I was working during that time. I constantly had to make stops to use the restroom when I was out on calls.

Unfortunately, my body was not wanting to give up on this pregnancy, and I had positive pregnancy tests for well over a month. I had to take HPT's to check my status (doctor wanted me to) and it was positive for about 6 weeks after the baby died.

At this point, I decided, if I got pregnant once "naturally", maybe I could again... So , we tried naturally for another 6 months....

While I wait...

Well, it's been over a week since my last entry... work is busy, busy busy. It's our busy season- and as the saying goes, work hard when you can. Since I will be taking 6 weeks of unpaid, leave of absence (maternity leave) when Kyle gets here, I need to make the money while I can. I have to say I really like working less in the off season. :). Thursday was my only day off this past week, so, Devin & I crammed the day with activities... went to splash park, then her swimming lessons, and then home for lunch & nap (for Devin, not me). After her nap, I got my hair cut & colored- fighting my almost all grey hair every step of the way- just cause I'm almost 40 doesn't mean I want to look like it! My hairdresser dyed my hair a little too dark this time - said my hair looked washed out- not sure if I like it -but Jack does. So, I guess its ok. That't the beauty about hair, if you don't like it, it will always grow & you can change the color next time. Then, Devin & I went & got our nails done at a Vietnamese nail salon. Yes, that's right, they painted Devin's too (for $3)- she LOVES it and sits very still. The lady who did our nails was very sweet & Devin showed her a picture of Kyle (and everyone who wanted to see). She also showed told everyone at the hair salon about Kyle... "I'm going to be a big sister. Brother lives far, far away. I am going to change his diapers and feed him a bottle...". She is so proud and can't wait to get him.

Anyway, besides work, here are some things I'm doing while I wait to get Kyle...

• Will & Living Will -for me & Jack
• Packing lists
• Things to see/places to eat, etc. while in Vietnam list
• Getting fences fixed
• Set-up care for animals while we are gone & emergency directives
• Gifts for nannies in orphanages
• Went through Devin's baby clothes to donate to orphanage when I go
• Buying supplies for trip
• shopping for clothes for me for summer/trip
• Getting stuff put aside for trip including all paperwork- putting it all in Kyle's crib right now

We are hoping to get approval sometime in June... we'll see. We are now on working day 10 or ll of our wait for our I-600 approval. Here are a few pictures of Devin playing in her kiddie pool in the backyard last week...

Pregnancy with Devin

Ok- I think I'm going to do some more reflection on my past journeys for my family. Today, I am going to talk about my pregnancy with Devin. As stated in past entry, I got pregnant with Devin on my first IVF but after 2 1/2 yrs of trying. I found out I was pregnant in Dec 2003. In January, we saw the heartbeart for the first time. It was awesome. Taking so long to get pregnant, I was determined not to complain about anything during my pregnancy. I was so happy to be pregnant. I would love to do it all again. I truly think pregnancy is a miracle and I just don't understand when people don't appreciate that God has blessed them with a child. Overall, I would say I had a good pregnancy... no morning sickness, no diabetes, no high blood pressure. I think part of the reason I did so well was b/c I continued to work and stay active during my pregnancy. I did have a few problems, despite my optimitic outlook....

When I was 10 weeks pregnant, Jack and I were up in Sedona with my Dad on a weekend trip. I started bleeding about 10pm that night... and not just a little blood.. were talking urine that looks like Kool-Aid! I was just absolutely panicked and inconsolable. Of course, we called my doctor's emergency number and they said I was either miscarrying or having a uterine bleed. As long as the bleeding wasn't too much- I had to wait 2 days to get an ultrasound. I remember feeling total despair that weekend. I couldn't sleep for 2 days, called in sick at work for Monday, and cried all weekend. I was very mad at God at the time. How could He finally give me a child and then take it away from me?! I was sure I was having a miscarriage. What else could it be? I had to send my husband on an emergency run to the store to get sanitary napkins. Poor guy... doesn't have a clue and was panicked himself.. and he bought 3 boxes! It was kinda cute ... I was like "Honey- that's 150 pads- I only need a few!" He was really trying.

On Monday, we went to the doctor, she knew I was REALLY stressed---- I couldn't believe what I saw... the baby was fine and a good heartbeat! :) She said I had a placental tear and a large hematoma over the cervix and had to rest, no work or exertion all week. My family was very supportive- my brother Mike & Karen sent flowers. My sister Susan called all the way from Japan. Unfortunately, I found out Michael's wife was pregnant with their first child the weekend of my bleeding. So, they were on cloud nine...I tried to be happy for them- -- but instead I just burst out into tears. I tried to put on a happy face for them, but I just couldn't. I was devastated. They weren't even trying to get pregnant and I thought I was losing my pregnancy.

Well, things went better for about a month... I still had some blood drainage- but all old blood- this lasted for about another 3-4 weeks. I had some minor pregnancy stuff.... headaches and tiredness after late night emergencies. When I was 15 weeks pregnant, it happened again... another bleeding episode. This time, I was not as panicked. I had another ultrasound and everything was still ok- back to rest again!

I did do something stupid when I was 4 months pregnant, I had a mucoceole removed from my mouth. The doctor said it was no big deal. Well, it WAS a big deal. The sutures dehisced in less than an hour and I was in excruciating pain. I had to call the doctor on emergency and beg for painkillers. I was pregnant and hungry (couldn't eat b/c of the pain)- a bad combination. It was terrible, I could barely eat for 2 weeks and felt like I got punched in the mouth every day for 2 weeks. I would sleep with ice packs all around my face. Not only that, but the mucoceole came back! I was so mad. No way was I gonna have another surgery, so I opened it up myself with a scalpel blade and it went away after that!

During this time, my doctor's office really pushed me to have all kinds of testing b/c I was 35 years old. I did some research and ultimately ended up declining all the tests except the level 2 ultrasound. I figured, if something came up really abnormal on the ultrasound, then I would allow the testing. But, I just couldn't take the risk of an amnio - even if its only 5% chance of complications- statistics were not in my favor. I was the 5%. Jack and I decided we were going to keep the baby no matter what. I would not have an abortion. If Devin has Down's Syndrome, so be it. We would deal with that. Fortunately, her ultrasound was normal and we found out the baby was a girl!!!

Well, the next few months were pretty uneventful... Yea. Normal stuff... Charlie horse cramps in my calves, difficulty finding a comfortable position to sleep in, heartburn.... I loved being pregnant... nothing was going to get me down. I was still working as an equine vet and that was going well. I no longer took x-rays myself and avoided the more difficult horses, but , otherwise not much changed until I was 7-8 months pregnant. Then, it was harder to pull horse shoes (I couldn't breath when bent over or couldn't see the clenches on the horse's hoof!)

When I was 8 months pregnant, I got in a car accident! A young kid pulled out right in front of me without warning and T-boned his truck. Didn't even really have time to react. Fortunately for me, I was driving my F350 truck. If I wasn't in that truck, I am sure I would have been badly hurt or dead. It scared me, but otherwise I felt ok. Well, the EMT guy pushed me to go to my OB to get everything checked out. I said I would as soon as I got something to eat- I was hungry!!! So, I talked to my OB who sent me to Good Sam to get checked out about 2 hours later. Well, I'm glad I did b/c I started having contractions every 5 min at the hospital. They gave me some meds to stop them and put all kinds of moniters on me. They sent me home a few hours later, but I started having contractions again every 5 min that weekend. Went back to hospital- more meds to stop contractions. Started contracting again on Monday, and my doctor prescribed me terbutaline for the rest of my pregnancy to use as needed. Terbutaline makes you feel like you just drank a pot of Starbuck's coffee!! Iwas all hyper and shaky about an hour or so after taking it. Anyway, I had contractions every day up until I delivered. So, I used the medication daily for the next month.

I had a final ultrasound 2 days before I delivered... Devin had flipped to a head down position- Yea! They told me I would have to have a C-section b/c she was either transverse or head up the last 2 months of my pregnancy. They thought she might not be able to flip head down b/c of the septum in my uterus. Well, I was thankful and she came 3 1/2 weeks early at 36 1/2 weeks. She was small at 5 lbs 8 oz. Very healthy and normal. Thank God!!!

And, you know what? I would love to do it all again... but God had other plans for me....

Vietnam Adoptions Shutdown

1st, you ask yourself, what is Traci doing writing her blog so early in the morning? You are right. This is a ridiculous hour to write a blog. However, my daughter has decided in the last few weeks that getting up at 5:45am is a good idea. Its killing me!!! Something about the time before 6 am is only reserved for those insane "morning people". Not me. Anyway, here I am at 6:30 am- on my day off - drinking some serious coffee. Devin is watching her new netflix movie, The Wild.

So, on to a more serious topic... the impending shutdown of adoptions in Vietnam. This was announced last week by the American Embassy due to allegations of some unethical adoptions going on in Vietnam. Some of the allegations include.... baby buying, holding baby's ransom for their hospital bills, and one case of a grandmother giving her grandchild to an orphanage. You can read more about it at: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080428/ap_on_re_as/vietnam_us_adoption

I know this sounds very selfish of me, but I'm so thankful I have already received a referral. At this time, the USCIS is investigating Kyle's adoption to make sure it is ethical and done properly. That is what we are waiting for. Unless they find a problem, our adoption of Kyle should proceed. Of course, that makes you a little anxious... hoping everything is ok.

I have been reading a lot very emotional emails from my adoption chat group and have mixed feelings..... I feel sad about the situation of unethical adoptions and the inevitable shutdown (at least temporarily). I feel for those who are waiting for a referral. I know how BADLY we all want to have a child. I also know I wouldn't want a child that was taken away from its birthmom unethically. I know that I am proceeding with my adoption as I wait for my I-600 approval. If Kyle's investigation takes longer to take extra steps to check his background and the ethics of his adoption... I am willing to wait. I know their is no guarentee. However, I also know that there are a lot of children legitimately in the orphanages who truly need parents. I already feel like Kyle is my son and my daughter always asks when can we bring brother home... She says" Mommy, Kyle is crying for us. He needs us". Isn't that sweet?!

I don't think 800 children adopted from Vietnam is a crazy number. The US adopts 7000-8000 children from China every year - and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I think there are estimates of over 100,000 orphans in China. I have read some statistics on VN of between 500,000 to 2 mil children in orphanages. Check out: http://www.adoptionbuzz.org/adoptionbuzz/vietnam_orphanages/
They have pictures of orphans in there from Phu Tho- its heartbreaking.

I will tell my son about what has happened with the adoption process during the time of his adoption (when he is old enough to understand). I will tell him that his Mommy did everything I could to try to ensure his adoption was as ethical as possible. We used an ethical agency and an ethical facilitator. They investigated his case. That's all I can say. There are no guarentees that nothing happened unethically prior to that.

I know many friends who have given up children for adoption, adopted from birthmoms, foster-adopt, and international adoption. There is always is some sad story behind it all. Most of the time, the birthmom usually doesn't want to give up her child (in the USA) but does for a variety of reasons... drugs, poverty, too many kids, age, etc... Sometimes they are pressured from family, like one of my friends, who gave up her baby as a teenager and was put in a home for unwed mothers. She doesn't regret it... but it was hard at the time. She knows she did the best thing for her daughter and has done foster-adopt now as an adult (which wasn't easy either). Another close friend just adopted a child. However, they could only narrow the dad down to 3 possibilities... one in jail. She had to get an investigator to track down each of the men and have them sign over their possible parental rights to her adopted child. It gets complicated even in the USA!!! Another close friend wanted to foster adopt a black child and was denied twice b/c they wanted a black family rather than a white family. As of this time, she has not adopted any child.

My heart is heavy for those children in orphanages in Vietnam who need parents and may not get them b/c a few greedy people in this world try to take advantage of the weak and poor. Let's all pray that the Vietnamese & American governments can come to an agreement that will allow adoptions to continue and also be done as ethically as possible.

Traci